Dr. Emilie Ellis

As a queer couple’s therapist and trauma therapist, I regularly work with people to understand the ways that a person’s early experiences with trauma – like childhood trauma, sexual abuse, and physical abuse – can influence how they show up in adult relationships. While I’m sure that there are as many ways for trauma to influence relationships as there are trauma survivors, I’ve found that there are a few common themes. In this post, I describe the most common relationship dynamics among trauma survivors that I’ve found in my clinical work with trauma-exposed couples and in my own research with LGBTQ+ people¹.

Further, in reviewing the research literature as I prepare the curriculum for my upcoming trauma and queer relationships class, I found some evidence to support these themes. This research suggests that trauma survivors – especially those who have experienced interpersonal trauma, like childhood abuse – are more likely to have certain beliefs about relationships, which they call “early maladaptive schemas” (EMS)². Early, meaning that they come from early experiences (like childhood trauma), maladaptive, meaning that they may no longer serve you in adulthood (while I would argue that they likely kept you safe as a child), and schema, which is a CBT term that essentially boils down to an approach or belief about relationships.

Let’s review each EMS.

Disconnection & Rejection

One of the first ways in which trauma can manifest in relationships is through social isolation and an avoidance of relationships, especially meaningful connections. This makes sense when you think about it. If people have hurt you, you learn to avoid people. It might also be due to not believing you are deserving of meaningful relationships, or even just pessimism about relationships (sounds like, “Why bother? None of my relationships work out”). Partnered individuals might find themselves struggling to build or maintain an emotional bond with their partner(s). I’ve heard some people ask, “Why do I have an emotional block with my partner?”   

Impaired autonomy

The other most common theme I’ve seen in my clinical work is enmeshment or codependence. Often, these people are overly concerned that a partner is going to leave or abandon them, even when there is no evidence to support this. You might also depend on your partner for things that might be your individual responsibility, such coping with difficult emotions, being on time, or keeping up with friends. I’ve found people with this EMS can struggle with allowing their partner to experience emotions independently. For example, they might say, “I’m upset whenever my partner is upset,” or “When my partner is sad, that means I’m sad.” While empathy is a healthy and beautiful thing in a relationship, we also need to be able to let other people experience their emotions without trying to fix it for them or feeling overwhelmed by the emotional resonance we feel ourselves³.

Excessive responsibility & standards

Excessive responsibility often looks like someone taking too much responsibility for any part of your partner’s life and can lead to self-sacrifice. A common example of this is “mindreading,” trying to anticipate your partner’s needs so that they don’t have to ask or so you can “know” what they’re really feeling. These people might ask “is my partner mad at me” whenever their partner is upset, forgetting that there are tons of other reasons they might be upset, or even punishing yourself if you did upset your partner. Conversely, having excessive standards mean you expect your partner to take on too much responsibility for you, such as expecting them to avoid all your trauma triggers instead of taking ownership of your responses to those triggers. This could also look like a number of other impossible standards for your partner, such as expecting they will never be attracted to another person or expecting they will never argue with you.

Impaired limits

Impaired limits includes entitlement, such as believing social rules don’t apply to you. This could look like breaking an agreement to monogamy or not respecting your partner’s privacy or bodily autonomy. Sometimes, these people may feel they are special in some ways, but inferior or worthless in other ways. Impaired limits can also involve approval or admiration seeking, which might look like repeatedly asking your partner if they still love you or not believing them when they tell you they do, or feeling especially close to people who compliment you.

If you have experienced trauma or live with traumatic stress (like complex PTSD, complex trauma, or PTSD), you might relate to none of these schemas, one of them, or a few of them. I’ve found that, more often than not, trauma survivors will see a little bit of themselves in multiple of these. However, if any of these resonate do with you, it’s important to not get down on yourself or feel ashamed. Instead, recognize that this is part of how you have learned to navigate the world as a person living with trauma and identify areas you want to work on or improve.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ellis

References:

1. Ellis, É. (2022). “I feel very hesitant about who I allow to get genuinely close to me”: Exploring the impact of discrimination and psychological trauma on suicidality among LGBTQ+ populations [Doctoral dissertation, University of Georgia]. ProQuest Dissertations ↩︎
2. Bach, B., Lockwood, G., & Young, J. E. (2018). A new look at the schema therapy model: organization and role of early maladaptive schemas. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 47(4), 328-349. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2017.1410566; Karatzias, T., Jowett, S., Begley, A., & Deas, S. (2016). Early maladaptive schemas in adult survivors of interpersonal trauma: Foundations for a cognitive theory of psychopathology. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 7(1), 30713. https://doi.org/10.3402/ejpt.v7.30713; Thimm, J. C. (2022). The higher-order structure of early maladaptive schemas: A meta-analytical approach. Frontiers Psychiatry, 13, 1053927. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.1053927 ↩︎
3. Medicine, S. (n.d.). Emotion Resonance. https://ccare.stanford.edu/research/wiki/compassion-definitions/emotion-resonance/ ↩︎